Forgiving My Broken Body...

         As I've mentioned before in previous blog posts that I have known since I was old enough to understand what my life would be like when it came to dealing with not having my own biological child. I think even at a young age I knew that a biological child would never be something I would achieve as a women. I remember a conversation with my cardiologist it was the first time that I could recall that he actually said the words that I still cry over to this day. Something to the effect of "I think getting pregnant would put to much stress on your body when your heart is already pumping twice as hard as it should." I think it was then that I finally grasped the heaviness of that sentence. I have always LOVED children and gravitated towards them. So to hear the finality of his words made it all that much more real. I was devastated to say the least and have spent nights over the years shedding tears wondering why I was given a body so broken. I felt like I was less of a women because I would never carry the badge of honor women receive after giving birth. I hated not being able to give that to Adam and was upset about the closeness I would lack during the pregnancy and birthing experience. I felt like my body had betrayed me. I would lay awake at night thinking about how I would give anything to have a baby even when that meant laying in a bed for 9 months I was willing to do it. It has been years since my cardiologist uttered that sentence and I feel like at some point I have to forgive my broken body and live with that fact that as much as I want it it's never going to be my reality. I've cycled through the hoping and disappointment the longing and the heaviness of my heart the self blame and the outright betrayal of my very own body. I wish for the pain to stop and I think it at times it is getting easier and I feel on top of my emotions but then I'll hear someone complain about being pregnant and they all come rushing back from the dark place they have been hiding. Through the adoption process and other things it has helped with my healing and I feel like one day I will totally forgive my body and when I get the baby I've longed for my entire life my pain will permanently be softened.