Words Can Hurt.....

I wonder often why people say the things they say and last Friday was no exception. It happened at work and although I don't usually talk about what goes on at work this incident I just can't seem to shake so I thought what better way to get it off my chest was to write about it.

(I have left names out to protect privacy)

On Friday we were winding down from the busy day at work and over the weekend they were going to be having all the floors re-surfaced and so everything had to be moved off of the tile so the workers could do there job. Most everyone started hauling things out onto the carpeted area. Me, H and P had begun to unplug all the x-ray equipment we use during our injections. We were having fun chatting and talking about our up-coming weekends. I went to unplug one of the main power switches to the x-ray C-arm and I noticed it said the word danger on it so I asked the radiologist tech if I could unplug it even though it said danger on it. H said he shouldn't do it since he has 5 mouths to feed and he then chimed in and said "ya I can't afford to have anything happen to me."  he then said what shocked me. He said " you should do it since your going to die soon anyway, your expendable." Both him and H started laughing and I was in so much shock my first reaction was to chuckle with them since that's usually what I do when someone teases me or makes fun of me somehow. I said while chuckling "I can't believe you just said that." I did not tell anyone what had just happened since I was still processing the conversation. H and I had a double date planned with our spouses and we continued on with our plan. We talked about it at dinner and even then it didn't seem real. I like my co-worker P and for him to say what he did shocked me. I thought that I could trust him and I felt as though everything that I had told him about my health I could tell him without him throwing it back in my face. It didn't really hit me until the next day when I was driving alone in the car on my way home and thinking about his comments and listening to the radio when the song came on If I Die Young by the band Perry and I got teary eyed just listening to the words. It's hard living day to day with death in the back of your mind. I don't not think about it a lot but it's there for sure. I think when you live with health problems it unfortunitly becomes your whole life, it becomes apart who you are. Everyday I am alive I consider myself a survivor. Nobody understands what I have been through other than me. My family has lived it, breathed it, and it also has become apart of them. It is becoming apart of Adam with each passing day. I am grateful he was willing to marry me despite all the challenges I brought with me. 

If you don't know who Paul Cardall is you should because he is one of my hero's. He has a congenital heart defect not quite like me but close. On one of his blog post he said this "I have been blessed my whole life to have severe congenital heart disease. I am far from perfect and needed this in my life to teach me things I could have never learned without it. As a result, I am a witness of God's hand in our lives. I've observed many miracles in my own life." I have never really looked at my health as a blessing but it has definitely taught me to not take things for granted and to try and live in the moment. To live life to the fullest. I know that it is a miracle that I am alive and doing well today and that I have been given each precious day to become better. It its is very hard to see the good in sometimes a very heavy hand your dealt. I am still getting to that point where I look at it as a blessing. It's been 26 years and it doesn't get easier. I know I may sound as if I am complaining but sometimes that's the only way I know how to express my feelings. Tomorrow will be a better day and I an grateful for a fresh new day.